


One Step Closer

by tea_and_oranges



Category: Ballum, EastEnders (TV)
Genre: M/M, ballum - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-21
Updated: 2019-07-21
Packaged: 2020-07-10 02:34:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,317
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19898443
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tea_and_oranges/pseuds/tea_and_oranges
Summary: Callum's wedding day is fast approaching but he still can't get Ben out of his mind.





	1. Chapter 1

Callum frowned as the vacuum cleaner he was absentmindedly pushing back and forth under the bed made a whirring, choking sound. It was his day off and Whitney was doing a shift at the Vic, having left instructions for him to give the spare room a thorough clean, ready for when Bianca came to stay for the wedding. He felt the vacuum catch on the carpet, the jarring noise getting louder. He hit the power button with his foot to silence it and bent down to take a look, turning the nozzle upside down. There was a small, rectangular piece of plastic sticking out of it, the size of a bank card. Callum pulled it free and flipped it over. It was indeed a bank card but what took his breath away for a second, what made his heart start beating that little bit faster, was the name embossed on the front of it. 

Mr B. Mitchell. 

Callum was used to thoughts of Ben occupying his mind, but most of the time he’d learned to manage them, keep them as background noise while he got on with his day. But seeing Ben's name jumping out at him from the plastic card brought those thoughts, those memories, those feelings, to the forefront. He sat down on the bed, staring at the card but seeing Ben's face. The floodgates he fought so hard every day to keep closed burst open and his mind was filled with images of Ben, he heard Ben’s voice ringing in his ears, his skin tingled with the memory of Ben’s touch. Callum groaned softly and let himself fall back onto the bed, covering his eyes with his forearm. 

Callum sighed and wondered, as he did countless times a day, where Ben was right now, what he was doing, who he was with...At one time it seemed to Callum that Ben was everywhere he went: the cafe, the pub, out for an early morning run, walking into the undertakers ostensibly looking for Jay while Callum was working. Ben was always there with a knowing look, a teasing smile, a pithy comment dripping with innuendo. It made Callum feel a strange mix of nervousness and excitement, wishing Ben would go away but then leaving him with a gaping sense of emptiness when he did. 

Then Callum had made the mistake of confiding in Stuart and everything had changed. 

The shock of seeing Ben's bruised and bloodied face had turned to revulsion and guilt when he had found out Stuart was responsible. Of course Callum hadn't wanted or expected Stuart to react like that but he still felt like it was his fault. And so, it seemed, did Ben. 

"You ain't worth the hassle," Ben had said. It wasn't anything Callum didn't already know but that didn't stop Ben's words hurting. Actually, no, it wasn't even the words. What had chilled him to the bone was Ben's harsh, weary tone and the look in his eyes. The spark had gone from them, the warm playfulness that made Callum’s insides turn to jelly replaced by a cold, dark hardness.

So now the tables had turned and Ben was the one avoiding Callum, while Callum resorted to watching Ben from a distance whenever he got the chance: drinking in the pub with Jay and Lola; shaking hands with a customer outside the car lot; being told off by his mum for going behind the counter in the cafe and helping himself to a sausage out of the frying pan. 

And worst of all, the time he and Whitney had been walking home from the Vic and he'd seen Ben and another man, their arms around each other's waist, laughing as they headed towards the Beale house. Callum felt as if he'd been kicked in the stomach but he couldn't look away as Ben pushed the man up against the wall and kissed him. He watched as the man ran his hands through Ben's hair, then down over his back and past his belt to cup his arse. It took every last bit of Callum's self-control to stop himself from running over, pulling the man off Ben and punching him to the ground. Whitney's voice brought him back to reality.  
"Ooh looks like Ben's got lucky! Good for him, he deserves some fun after everything he's been through."  
"Yeah," Callum mumbled, bile rising in his stomach, as Ben pulled away from the kiss, whispered something in the man's ear and led him inside the gate.

Once inside the flat, Whitney had gone straight to bed, exhausted after her shift. Callum told her he'd be in shortly, after he'd done the washing up. Callum made light work of the contents of the sink, stacking the dishes and pans neatly on the draining board, but he didn't move away from the sink. He let the boiling hot water run over his hands, flinching with pain as it scalded his skin, but it didn't compare to the pain that rose up from the pit of his stomach, twisting his guts and burning through every fibre of his being, as he thought of Ben kissing the other man.   
He turned off the tap and took a beer from the fridge. Fighting pain with pain wasn't working, maybe numbing it with alcohol would. He sat on the sofa and downed the beer but cheap lager was nowhere near potent enough for what he needed it to do and there was nothing stronger in the flat. He closed his eyes tightly, trying to push away the images of Ben and the man but that only made them more vivid in his mind. He got up and went into the bathroom, locking the door behind him, and slid down against the wall until he was sitting on the floor, head in hands, his body shaking as he sobbed, the vision of Ben and the other man still playing on a loop in his head. "Don't...just don’t,” he muttered to himself through his tears, as his mind's eye followed Ben and the man into the house, up the stairs to Ben's room, falling onto the bed, pulling at each other's clothes... Callum bit down on the inside of his mouth until he tasted blood, as he forced himself to bring to mind another set of mental images, one that was never far from the surface. That night in the park, when he had been the one kissing Ben, touching him, exploring his body with his hands and his mouth. The memory of that night was seared into Callum's brain so vividly that even now, weeks later, he could almost convince himself that it was Ben's hand, instead of his own, unzipping his jeans, wrapping his hand around him, bringing him to an all too brief moment of ecstasy and relief as he sat on the bathroom floor. 

Callum leaned back against the cool bathroom tiles as his orgasm subsided and reality hit him again, the aching loneliness that he always carried inside him weighing on him more heavily than ever. He let out a small sob, more of a whimper really, but he had no tears left to cry. He cleaned himself up, splashed his face with cold water and made his way to the bedroom, opening the door as quietly as he could and letting out a sigh of relief when he saw that Whitney was fast asleep.

Now, lying on the bed in the spare room, he suddenly realised how Ben’s bank card had come to be there: it must have fallen out of his pocket and under the bed the night of the party.   
Callum winced internally as he recalled that night. He'd been shocked to see Ben in that state, he didn’t even know that Ben was capable of feeling, let alone showing, pain, vulnerability...love. But he had clearly felt all of that and more for Paul. The way he had spoken about him, his voice breaking with tears...it would have taken a heart of stone not to be moved. Callum hated to see anyone suffer, he felt a natural compulsion to help or comfort anyone in need but he’d not been much help to Ben that night. He’d felt too awkward, too uncomfortable, too scared to do anything but stand there desperately wishing that Ben would just leave. Ben was unpredictable enough at the best of times, there was no telling what he might do or say when he was drunk and emotional, despite his assurance that he wouldn’t out him. Self-preservation had been Callum’s priority that night, so he had fought back the urge to move to the bed and cradle Ben as he cried and instead got Jay to deal with the problem. 

Callum felt a pang of guilt and shame. He should have done more that night, shown Ben that he cared and understood. The scene replayed itself in his head and another emotion that Callum didn't remember feeling at the time but that he now realised had been bubbling under the surface, came rising up from the pit of stomach. Jealousy. 

Callum had only ever seen one image of Paul, an old photograph of him with Pam and Les that he'd stumbled upon in a drawer at the funeral parlour. But now Paul suddenly came alive in his mind's eye, as he tortured himself with visions of Paul making love to Ben, kissing him, holding him as he slept, in this room, in this bed. 

Callum's chest tightened and he felt his guts churning inside him. Ben had said he would give anything to relive just one of those moments but at least he'd had those moments. At least Paul had died knowing that Ben loved him. "Get a grip," Callum scolded himself, his face burning with shame at his thoughts. Had he really sunk so low as to be jealous of a dead man? Paul had had a chance with Ben and he'd taken it, and paid with his life for not being ashamed of it. Callum thought of Ben's words in the cafe after he'd been attacked by Stuart. 

“It's not all love out there." 

That may well have been true but it hadn’t stopped Paul and Ben grabbing the chance of love when they’d found it. But then, Callum concluded, they were both braver men than he could ever hope to be.

Callum looked at Ben’s bank card again, running his finger softly across the lettering.  
Mr B. Mitchell.  
He sighed heavily, got up off the bed, slipped Ben's card into his back pocket, and carried on vacuuming.

~

Ben was locking the drawers of the desk in the car lot when he heard the door open.

“Sorry,” he called out without looking up. “I’m just closing up but if you come back tomorrow...” 

“I’m not here to buy a car.” 

Ben’s eyes widened as he heard Callum’s voice drifting over from the doorway. He glanced up then turned his attention back to the desk, as if he’d neither seen or heard Callum. He finished locking the drawers then walked towards the door, jangling his keys in his hand. 

“Like I said, I’m about to close up.” Ben’s voice was flat and cold. He nodded his head towards the door, indicating to Callum that he should leave, but Callum stood his ground. 

“And like I said, I’m not here to buy a car.”   
“Well if it’s about your last purchase, I already told you: no refunds.”  
“It’s not about that.”  
“Okay..” Ben said slowly, frowning and rubbing his chin as if he was deep in thought. “Oh, I’ve got it! You want me to be your best man at the wedding? That’s so sweet of you.” Ben placed his hand over his heart and pretended to wipe away a tear. “Not really appropriate though. It’s not meant to be that kind of best man.”

Ben winked and smirked at Callum, and for a second Callum felt those familiar butterflies in his stomach. He suddenly realised just how much he missed being around Ben, even when he was being an infuriatingly smug git. 

“I just came to give you this,” Callum pulled Ben’s bank card out of his pocket and handed it to him. Ben frowned as he took the card. 

“Where did you get this?”  
“I found it in the spare room. You must have dropped it the night of the party.”   
“’The spare room’? You mean Paul’s room,” Ben corrected him, his eyes narrowing.   
“Yeah, sorry, I...”   
“That was ages ago,” Ben continued. “Why are you only giving it back now? You and Whitney been dipping into my account to pay for your big day?”  
“What?! No! Of course not. What do you think I am?” Callum’s voice rose with righteous indignation.   
“Alright, calm down. I was joking”. Ben rolled his eyes impatiently. “I blocked it as soon as I noticed it missing, got a new one weeks ago. So you needn’t have bothered.” 

Ben tossed the card into the bin and moved towards the door. 

“It’s no bother,” Callum said awkwardly. “You should shred it though, not just chuck it in the bin. You hear about people going through bins looking for stuff like that. Identity theft...”   
“Identity theft,” Ben repeated, rolling his eyes. “I think most people round here know my identity. I doubt anyone would want to steal it.”  
“No, that’s not..”  
“Yes, I do know what identity theft is, thank you. Now, it’s been a long day so if you don’t mind...” 

Ben opened the door and stepped aside to let Callum leave but to his surprise Callum pushed the door shut and turned to face Ben.


	2. One Step Closer

"Can we talk?"  
"About what?"  
"Us..." Callum said tentatively.  
"Us?" Ben laughed bitterly. "There is no us. You made that perfectly clear. So did your brother."  
"Look, about Stuart, I..."

Callum was interrupted by the sound of Ben's phone pinging. Ben looked at the screen and smiled before turning back to Callum. 

"I've gotta go," he said, reaching for the door. “So why don’t you run along home before your fiancee starts wondering where you are? Or Big Brother comes looking for you, to save you from the nasty gay bogeyman.”

Callum didn’t, couldn’t, move.  
“You’re meeting someone, aren’t you? Off that app?”  
“And? You jealous?” Ben taunted him. “Don’t be. It’s a free app, you don’t need a certificate of gayness to join. Plenty of closet cases on it too. You never know, you might find that special someone. Meet up once a month, couple of beers, a quickie in a cheap hotel or a dark alley somewhere then home to the missus until next time. Happy days.”

Ben smiled at Callum, a cruel, mocking smile that cut Callum to the bone just as much as Ben’s words. 

Callum bit his lip, trying to hold back the wave of pain, fear and frustration that he felt rising inside him but it was stronger than him, stronger than the will to keep it bottled up. He launched himself at Ben, grabbing his shoulders, pushing him forcefully against the wall.

"Ooh, have I hit a nerve?" Ben laughed.

Callum looked at Ben, his smirking face goading him. He pulled back his arm, clenching his fist, moving closer to Ben, then shoved him out of the way before punching the wall of the car lot once, twice, over and over, his knuckles smearing blood over the wall, tears streaming down his face. White noise filled his ears, along with the sound of his gut wrenching sobs, but he heard something else too, Ben’s voice saying his name, gradually getting louder and louder.

“Callum! Callum!! Stop!!” 

Ben grabbed Callum’s arm from behind, then reached around to place his own arm across Callum’s other arm and chest, holding him still.  
It’s okay,” he whispered soothingly as he felt Callum shaking body fall back against him. 

Ben guided Callum to the chair by the desk, the heavy silence broken only by Callum’s muffled sobs. Ben picked up a box of tissues off the shelf and dropped it on the desk next to Callum. He then unlocked one of the drawers, took out a bottle of vodka and took a swig from it as he walked around to lean on the desk. Ben passed Callum the bottle of vodka, watching him thoughtfully as he took a long gulp of the clear liquid, cleared his throat, then put the bottle back to his lips. 

“Steady on. That’s the good stuff, not cheap Minute Mart plonk.”  
“Sorry.” Callum’s voice was shaky as he handed the bottle back to Ben. Ben took another swig before placing the bottle on the desk next to Callum, who was wiping the blood off his hand with the tissues. 

“Let me help you,” Ben offered, reaching out to take Callum’s hand.  
“I’m fine.” Callum pulled his hand away before Ben could touch him. He felt embarrassed and pathetic. He wasn’t sure what he’d been hoping for by coming here but it wasn’t this. Losing the plot like that was only going to prove to Ben that he was right, he wasn’t worth the hassle. 

Ben moved to sit on the other side of the desk, giving Callum the space he sensed he needed. He busied himself with some paperwork until Callum finished cleaning his hand and threw the tissues in the bin.

Ben put the paperwork to one side and waited for Callum to speak but he remained silent, staring into space. Ben realised it was going to be up to him to break the silence.

“So...I'm guessing you don’t like the colour of the walls in here? I don’t either to be honest but that’s Max Branning for you. No taste. I’ve been meaning to redecorate but you know how it is. I just haven’t got round to it yet.”

Callum rolled his eyes and sighed exasperatedly.

“I knew this was a waste of time,“ he muttered, more to himself than to Ben, as he got up from the chair.

“No, Callum, wait,” Ben leapt out of his chair and rushed round from behind the desk. He grabbed Callum’s arm and the two men looked at each other as the contact sent a bolt of electricity through both their bodies. 

“I’m sorry,” Ben said quietly, letting go of Callum’s arm. Callum sighed and sat back down while Ben pulled his own chair over and sat down facing Callum.

“So, it’s the gay thing then?” Ben asked.

Callum nodded almost imperceptibly.

“I just...I don’t know what to do,” Callum said helplessly. “I’m getting married in a few weeks and I love Whitney, I really do. She’s the perfect woman. But...”

Callum fell silent, searching for the right words. Ben stared straight ahead, waiting for Callum to continue.

“I love Whitney,” Callum repeated as if it was a mantra. “But there’s something that’s not right, something’s...missing. I never fully realised it until that night with you in the park. And since then I just can’t stop thinking about you. Literally. You’re in my head all the time. I’ve tried to put it, you, out of my mind but I can’t. I don’t want to hurt Whitney, I don’t want to lose her but...what am I supposed to do, Ben?” Callum asked, his voice breaking with anguish.

“I can’t answer that,” Ben said quietly. “That’s something you’ve got to figure out for yourself.”  
“But you’ve been there, you know what it’s like.”  
“I know what it was like for me. But everyone’s different. There’s no magic formula, no Beginner’s Guide to Being Gay. I wish there was, it would have saved so much pain. Not just for me but Abi, Paul...” 

Ben fell silent, toying with the ring that covered the scar left by Paul’s tattoo.

“You really loved him, didn’t you?”  
“Yeah, I did,” Ben sighed. “Though I wasn’t very good at showing it. I still don’t really understand why he loved me too. I was just this pathetic, messed up, closet case...”  
Ben stopped as he noticed Callum lower his head. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean...”  
“It’s fine,” Callum said quietly. “So, how did you stop? Being a messed up closet case, I mean?”

“Well, I’m still messed up, you know that. But I just...I tried so hard to convince myself I was straight. I thought Lexi was proof but I knew deep down I was kidding myself. Then I tried to make myself straight by being with Abi. And when that didn’t work, I had no choice but to accept that I was gay and that I always will be. That’s the hardest part, accepting that you can’t change it, it just is what it is. After that, it’s about dealing with how other people feel about it, how they react to you. But you can’t live your life by what other people want or expect.”

Silence fell as Callum contemplated Ben’s words.

“I always knew I was different,” Callum said finally. “Ever since I was a kid. At home, at school...I always felt like I didn’t fit in, like I didn’t belong. I never really thought about why. It was just the way it was.”  
“Is that why you joined the army?”  
“I guess. And it worked, in some ways. I finally felt like I belonged somewhere, like I was part of something bigger than me. But in other ways...the guys would talk about all the women they’d been with, the women they wanted to be with, all the gory details. I couldn’t relate to that at all.”  
“And it still never occurred to you that you might be gay?” Ben frowned slightly, a mixture of amusement and disbelief on his face.

“No, not really. I'd never been with a girl until Whitney. I thought I just didn’t get it because I was a virgin, that it’d all make sense once I ‘became a man'" Callum made air quotes with his fingers. “Like I said, I was used to feeling like I was weird, like there was something wrong with me so...”  
“You’re not weird,” Ben told him emphatically. “And there’s nothing wrong with you. It’s just that your whole life you’ve been told that being gay is wrong, dirty, shameful. That stuff gets in your head and it’s so hard not to believe it. It’s like a form of brainwashing. It takes time to unlearn it. But you will.”  
“I don’t know,” Callum said doubtfully. “I can’t imagine being like you, the way you...”

Ben interrupted him with a bitter laugh.

“You don’t want to be like me. Trust me.”  
“Don’t say that. You’re strong, confident, proud of who you are.”  
“I am now, yeah. Well, mostly. A lot of it is just front, you know that.” Ben paused and looked at Callum, who smiled sympathetically at him. “But yeah, I’ve come a long way from that scared, closeted kid who used to look at guys like Paul or Christian and wonder how they could be so out and proud, how they could act like being gay was no big deal.”  
“Who’s Christian?” Callum asked abruptly.  
“Christian? He’s my...I dunno...ex-step-brother-in-law? His sister used to be married to Ian.”  
“Keeping it in the family, huh?”  
“What? No, it wasn’t...Wait...are you jealous?” Ben laughed. “You don’t need to be, nothing happened. I was just a kid and he was in his thirties and madly in love with his boyfriend, well, his husband now. I just had a huge crush on him, which, I can’t lie, I handled really badly.”  
“What did you do?”  
“Don’t...” Ben grimaced. “It makes me cringe just thinking about it. The point is, I never imagined I could be out and proud like that but here we are. It took me years and it wasn’t easy but still...I got there in the end and so will you. It just takes time.”  
“I haven’t got time though, have I? I’m getting married in a few weeks.”  
“It’s not over until you say ‘I do'.”  
“So what are you saying? I should dump Whitney, call the wedding off?”  
“Like I said, that’s your call. I can’t tell you what to do. I know you don’t want to hurt her.”  
“But I can’t marry her knowing I’m not being honest with her.”

Callum leaned forward with his head in his hands. Ben reached out and squeezed his shoulder, then ran his hand up and down Callum’s back, in a silent attempt to comfort him. Finally Callum turned to face Ben.

“I’m going to have to talk to her.”  
“What are you going to tell her?”  
“I don’t know,” Callum said helplessly. “I just know she deserves better than me.”

Callum’s voice cracked, his bottom lip trembling as his eyes filled with tears. He tried to wipe them away but they just fell harder. Ben reached out and pulled him into a hug, cradling his head against his shoulder.  
“It’ll be okay,” he said softly, trying to sound more convincing than he felt. He kissed the top of Callum’s head as Callum clung on to him and wept.

Callum's tears finally subsided and he reluctantly pulled away from Ben.  
“I should go,” he said, getting to his feet. Ben picked up the vodka bottle and held it out to Callum.  
“One for the road?”  
Callum took a swig of vodka and handed the bottle back.  
“Thanks, Ben,” he said. “You know, for listening, being there for me.”  
“No biggie,” Ben smiled. “Anytime. You know where to find me.”

Callum smiled back at him for a moment but his smile faded as his eyes fell on the cut, almost healed but still visible, on Ben’s lip. He looked hesitantly at Ben.

“Look, I know I should have said this sooner but I’m sorry...about Stuart, I mean; what he did to you. I swear I never thought he’d react like that, I’d never have told him if I’d known.”

Ben stared at Callum, frowning with confusion.

“Told him what? I don’t understand.”  
“I told him about us, about that night in the park. I know I shouldn’t have but I just...I just wanted to be honest. I thought that maybe he’d understand. How stupid am I? But I never meant for him to hurt you, Ben. You have to believe that.”

Ben stared at Callum in disbelief.

“You told Stuart about us?” Ben shook his head and a smile began to spread across his face.  
“You’re not angry with me?”  
“Angry? Callum, I am so proud of you.”  
“But he beat you up because of it, because of me.”  
“So what?” Ben shrugged. “I’ve taken beatings from bigger and better men than him. But what you did took guts.”  
“I don’t know about that...” Callum said bashfully.  
“You need to stop putting yourself down all the time,” Ben told him, in a voice that was equal parts tender and forceful. “You came out to your homophobic brother. You’re braver and stronger than you realise. I’m proud of you and you should be proud of yourself.” 

Callum had a flashback to Pride night at the Prince Albert. Standing on the dancefloor, surrounded by people, Whitney by his side, Callum had never felt lonelier in all his life. “What have you done today to make you feel proud?” The lyrics had seemed to be mocking him. What had he ever done to make himself, or anyone, feel proud? Nothing, that’s what, he'd told himself as he tried in vain to hold back tears. But now, as Ben’s words sank in, he felt the weight in his heart lifting. If someone like Ben could be proud of him, maybe, one day, he could be proud of himself.  
“Thank you, Ben. That means a lot”

Callum reached out and touched the side of Ben’s face, then leaned in and kissed him softly on the cheek. Ben’s stubble grazed his lips, the scent of him filled his senses. Ben sighed softly, his warm breath making the hairs on the back of Callum’s neck stand on end. Callum pulled back then leaned forward again, this time seeking Ben’s lips in a gentle, tentative kiss. The moment lasted only a second before Ben pulled away.

“Don’t,” he said quietly, lowering his gaze. “Things are complicated enough as it is.”

“This doesn’t feel complicated,” Callum replied softly, tilting Ben’s chin upwards to force him to look at him. “You and me...it’s the one thing that makes sense in all of this.”

Time seemed to stand still for them both as they slowly, almost imperceptibly, moved closer towards each other until the space between them disappeared and their mouths came together, tongues hungrily entwined, their fingers in each other’s hair first, then seeking each other’s skin, as they tumbled onto the floor.

~  
“Wow...” Callum exhaled heavily as he stared up at the ceiling, his eyes wide and shining, one arm bent under his head, the other holding Ben close to him. “I never knew it could be so...”  
“So...what?” Ben asked, lifting his head from its resting place on Callum’s chest.  
“So...” Callum searched in vain for the right word. He finally settled on “amazing” though it didn’t come close to describing what had just happened between them. Then, more softly, he added “So right,” before planting a gentle kiss on the top of Ben’s head.  
“Hmmm” Ben purred contentedly, eyes closed, nuzzling his face into Callum’s neck.

They lay on the floor holding each other, drifting in and out of sleep as the sun set outside, casting shadows through the blinds of the car lot, until the silence was broken by the sound of Callum’s phone ringing. Callum stretched out his arm towards the scattered pile of clothes on the floor, pulled his jeans towards him and took his phone out of the pocket. It was Whitney. He quickly pressed the reject button and turned towards Ben, who peered at him through half closed eyes.

“Don’t go,” he murmured sleepily.  
“I have to,” Callum sighed, reluctantly disentangling his body from Ben’s. “I need to talk...” He stopped mid-sentence. It didn’t feel right to say Whitney’s name here, now. 

“There's stuff I need to sort out,” he said, taking Ben’s hand and squeezing it with his own. “I’ll call you as soon as I can. I promise.”  
“S'okay,” Ben mumbled, squeezing Callum’s hand back before turning over and falling back to sleep.

Callum quickly got dressed then looked around for Ben’s jacket. He picked it up off the floor and covered Ben with it, before bending down to kiss his cheek.  
“See you soon, gorgeous,” he whispered. 

Callum closed the car lot door as quietly as he could and stepped out into the cold night air. It had still been daylight when he’d got here but now darkness had fallen over the square. Callum sat down on the bench in the middle of the square and looked up at the stars. The same stars he’d looked up at from faraway lands during his time in the army or from the back garden at home when he’d woken up there after going sleepwalking as a child. The vastness of the universe had always seemed overwhelming to him, it made him aware of how insignificant he was, how little he mattered. But now, as his gaze turned from the night sky to the car lot across the square where Ben lay sleeping, Callum felt a soothing peacefulness descend upon him. Yes, he was just a tiny speck in a huge universe but there was still a place for him in it and, as Ben’s words echoed in his ears -"I’m proud of you and you should be proud of yourself"- he felt he was one step closer to finding it.


End file.
